#2 – Dance, dance…

Aboard a bus to a town outside Bristol where I have a room reserved at a fancy hotel that under normal circumstances, I would never be able to afford, much less be willing. An event was cancelled and as such, the lovely company donated the rooms to our charity organisation. Spa, meals included, breakfast etc. I’m very lucky and it’s important to appreciate the generosity of people, how sometimes lush things fall into your lap and how we all deserve for that to happen us from time to time :).

So, with plenty of time to catch both buses to my destination, having woken up dancing to Chronixx (if you don’t know – get to know!) and some Damian Marley, I started off very happy. Slowly but surely, however, anxiety creeped in. Aah, mi amiga :). So, let’s talk about anxiety for a hot minute shall we?

It’s recently come to my attention that almost everyone I speak to proclaims that they have anxiety and/or depression. Most often it’s both. The two roll off the tongue so bittersweetly and most of us are very comfortable to say it about ourselves because it’s become such a normalised thing. We are a massive bunch of walking balls of anxiety and depression.

What does it mean to have these conditions? Now I’m not talking about the more serious side of the spectrum – the clinically-diagnosed anxiety and depression that prevent you from functioning well, that make you feel as if you’re fully incapable of doing things and like you’re a prisoner of your own body and mind. No, I’m talking about the milder versions (and I say mild with a pinch of salt because as you and I both know, that shit doesn’t feel mild). So for instance, I’ve always claimed to have anxiety and depression and it all sort of fully kicked in during adolescence, as it tends to in many. What else can kick in in adolescence? Real life shit. Of course I am not excluding the reality of childhood trauma, significant events that occur earlier on etc.

And real life shit never, ever stops from that point on. Life is a beautiful and complicated thing indeed and the sort of reality that has been constructed for us is a little bit loco, no?

I mentioned in my first post, Slowly Does It (below), how we have a lot of pressure and stress in our lives in the form of employment, a 9 to 5, social media, life stage templates, exposure to technology way more advanced than our lovely brains, exams and assignments, traffic, being on time, the fear of ageing etc. The central theme of the below post was to encourage you lovely people to take things a little slower and actively try to stop.fucking.rushing.

Now it’s one thing to know something and another to take on, believe, actively implement and eventually integrate something into a schema. And this brings me to my point regarding today – I was 10 minutes early for bus number one and 15 minutes early for bus number two. But you tell that to my nervous system bro, she is a stubborn so and so. So I be feeling anxious, spaced out and my heart is working overtime.

But I’m thinking perhaps it’s time to reconceptualise anxiety and depression by substituting the phrase ‘I have anxiety/ depression to ‘I can feel anxious and depressed’ or, even, ‘I am feeling nervous and sad’ because that may actually be more accurately representative of what’s going on. Do you agree?

I have used the verb ‘have’ for as long as I’ve experienced these complicated emotions and states. I’m washing my hands of it now…and that will take time. You see, I would just much rather put something down to a feeling and evaluate what causes that feeling, than to something I have – something that is mine and integral to my self-perception. That’s much harder to even contemplate shaking. Whereas if you feel something, you can try to shift that feeling. Even worse, I’m finding, is calling myself ‘quite an anxious person’. The connotation being that this is a fixed identity for me; it’s immovable and rigid. It’s who I am. But actually, fuck that…

So, to somewhat pull myself up out of my anxious state today – brought on by my fear of being late (60% even though I wasn’t going to be nor would I be late for anything other than a schedule I, myself have set), by going to a new place (20%) and by having to get organised (20%) – I did some very simple things.

I danced. I danced in the morning. I danced around my room in my pjs and in my kitchen whilst cooking.

I sung. I sung in the shower, I sung whilst dancing, I sung around the house.

I listened to a podcast. There’s a feminist life coach lady who’s podcast I have just found and I listened to one entitled ‘Pleasure’ (UnF*ck Your Braim – go check it out). This podcast made me smile and then I forwarded it to a handful of my female friends…you gotta share the good and helpful stuff yo!

I listened to an 80s rock anthems playlist. May not be your cup of tea but worked a treat for me! Interestingly, as I boarded the second bus, David Bowie’s ‘Lets Dance’ came on, and during this last bit of the post, Billy Idol’s ‘Dancing With Myself’ came on. Sometimes the universe chucks you signals, and some days you’re better equipped to receive them – like I am today :).

I shared. I wrote this blog post on the bus and I feel so much better, with all these delicious things combined.

I’m just going to finish on the following: medication. Now I’ve rejected SSRIs for years now. At first it was from a judgmental and fearful point of view – judgmental towards myself for having to need such a thing, fearful of it ‘changing my personality’. I know many people for whom anti-depressants and other medications have worked wonders so do you boo boo- if you find some peace and stability, go forth! My frustration, rather, is with GPs and Big Pharma and how casually they dish and pump that stuff out.

If you think about the statistics as well – ‘one in four people suffer from a mental health problem in the UK‘ – does it really make sense then to chuck meds at all of us? Could that many of us be ‘suffering from mental health problems’…or could it just be that the environment around is driving us batshit crazy? Hmmm. Just some food for thought.

The above may not sound helpful because you may think to yourselves ‘Well yeah, cool, but I can’t change my environment’. But I posit to you that although you may not be able to geographically change where you live, and none of us can choose our family, really (except for the one we make for ourselves in the form of peole we come to love) there are some things we can change. That will be explored in another blog post!

But for now, I leave you with the suggestion that you dance your arse off soon. Old-school tribe times had us dancing, singing and fucking our bullshit away. Sorry to be crude – clearly I’m very big on swearing! Maybe even challenge yourselves to enjoy the above without having to get absolutely crunk – it’s in us anyway! And let me know how using that pent up worried/fearful anxious and sad depressed energy in your body makes you feel- in contrast to, say, merely talking about it?

Now I’ve somehow gotten off the bus way early and have a little stomp ahead of me to the hotel. But hey, I don’t mind – another opportunity to move! Trees on either side, expansive skies above. Perfect.

Peace and love.