#10 – What have we unlocked during lockdown?

It is nearing the end of June 2020 and this year has been so far from what we could have ever imagined eh?

On the 2nd of January, I had already booked my flights for a two-week holiday to New Zealand. In our first team meeting of the year at work, I proudly proclaimed that this year, 2020, was going to be my year of travel.

Well, Slovenia, Italy, the Lake District, New Zealand, Scotland and Germany will have to wait. These are the holidays I’ve thus far missed out on – Germany is yet to happen but the recent news over there hasn’t given me much hope.

So, what do we do when, as the internet has jokingly repeated, 2020 got cancelled?
Well, for starters, we stop saying that shit and thinking that way.

As a side note, I am aware this is a serious pandemic. If you have lost any loved ones, been through the virus itself or missed opportunities to say goodbye to people you care about and/or had your finances and employment be adversely affected, I am sincerely sorry for your loss(es). Stay safe and stay sane all.

What I do want to share, however, is not a message of loss and disappointment but rather, one of strength, self-expansion and growth.

I have a tough job. I work with victims of sexual violence and I support them throughout a very large geographical region. With the long drives, appointments, phone calls, court dates and pathetic 15-minute lunches in whatever supermarket car park I can stop off to scoff down my sandwich – I am hella tired and moreover, often mentally depleted.

Working from home has been a weird one. The anxiety of work is still a very much so present force in my psyche. Working in my room (in my houseshare where we don’t have an office) is also weird. From bed to desk. Pajama bottoms during team meetings. No separation of work from real life.

And yet…What a blissful time it’s been.

It has been during the three-ish months of lockdown that I have, for the first time in a long time, had space in my head and heart for other things that matter to me. The things that make me…me.

You see, when the working day is up and you have been working from home, as soon as it’s over – you are already home.
I have also not had to endure the ridiculous state of traffic in our city and subsequent stress related to that experience.

Thus, in this capacity, I have gained.
I have gained time.
I have gained serenity.
I have gained space.

By space, what I mean is that in ‘normal life’- and I use inverted commas here because this is a construct created by our society in opposition to our true nature as humans – I am always insanely busy, insanely preoccupied, insanely tired and sometimes…just insane.

In lockdown life, I have been so much more at peace.

When I was younger, I used to write poetry – lots of it. Sometimes I would try and write a song on my guitar but I had never successfully finished one.

In lockdown life, I have written four. 100%, I am positive that this drastic reduction of activity and mental clutter in my life have given rise to my elevated state of creativity. My mind, quieter and with less competing items on its agenda, became a lovely and familiar conduit for art once again. I began to return to myself.

No doubt that, as a whole, the country has probably got a little fitter too. During those proper early lockdown days, could you think of a time that was comparable in terms of how many joggers, cyclists and walkers (like me. Bad knees!) were out and about?

We were told we can go out for exercise and shopping only. And so we did.
About two months ago, I started a daily Zoom workout group with my friends from work. At 12.30, we would all log in, pick a workout, and watch ourselves (muted and sweaty) working out together.
How funny – to find a time for a collective activity that benefits both body and mind during a time of national lockdown and isolation. Who would have thunk it?

A friend gave me some oil pastels. For my birthday, my little sister had given me a sketch pad.
There are now several oil pastel pictures in there.

My windows at home are clean. I had not touched those ratchet windows in all my time of living in my house!

I have radishes growing in my garden, and some flowers.
The overgrown ivy has been cut back.
Red-chested robins, blue tits and magpies feed tentatively from the bird-feeder I bought.
I have joined a whatsapp group with all my neighbours. We have all stood out to clap and sing happy birthday to the neighbourhood children, lent each other books, tools, anti-histamines (damn this hay fever!).
Prior to lockdown, I knew the family next door, exclusively. Now I know most of the people on my street.

During lockdown, I have slept the full eight hours a night that I need. I have read multiple books.

During lockdown, I had my last therapy session (by choice), ended a relationship, tried the Keto diet, disabled and deleted my Instagram(s) and Facebook and called my friends more.

All the things that we have had taken away from us can be looked upon as losses or as opportunities to clear the path for other, better things.

The day will come when we will be in overcrowded small gig venues, collectively sweating and moving to the drumbeat of the band before us, fists in the air, passionately singing along. The day will come when we will wait in long queues at our local for that pint with our friends. The day will come when we can carelessly book a flight to Portugal, when we can have house parties, when we can go to festivals again. Worry not, these things aren’t over.

In the meantime, I sincerely hope you have all been able to expand your own, internal worlds – be it through creativity, learning, rest, connection with people long forgotten and introspection. I hope that the break from the pressures, the FOMO vibes, the competitive and fast-paced lifestyle in which we are forced to exist has been helpful to you.

Certain friends of mine have struggled, and it may be that you have too. People who are very extroverted and social, in particular, have found this period very difficult. Similarly, those of us who are introverted and struggle with their mental health have found reaching out to others even more difficult. After all, up until recently we were told we couldn’t even see anyone from outside our household. People who live alone have struggled.

What this lockdown has brought out is the internal struggle. The struggle that we are often too busy to pay due attention to because our lives are filled with things – with people, activities, tasks, jobs, travel. When these things are removed and stripped to their bare minimum, all that’s left is us…and who, exactly, are we?

I have enjoyed getting to know myself again. This has been a beautiful period of painful, melancholic but enormously fruitful and abundantly enriching self-exploration.

I hope you have enjoyed getting to know yourself too.

Stay safe, stay positive, stay you :).