Hello you wonderful humans! I hope you have all been enjoying the weekend, and life in general.
Over in my neck of the woods, I had quite a busy weekend! I had made plans to fill it with multiple social activities, including some that are out of my comfort zone. I had then pre-empted that I will need some alone time, to rebalance, and therefore left my Sunday open.
So, I don’t know about you, but I am not very good in groups. I am awesome sauce in a one-to-one setting, but the second you introduce a third person, I clam up somewhat. I don’t know what it is really – is it a bit of social anxiety? Is it the fact that I now feel like perhaps what I contribute to the dialogue has to be all the more interesting, due to the fact that I am ‘competing’ with another person (or several?). And I don’t mean competing in the actual sense of the word – but merely how I feel in terms of my own insecurities and blah blah. So, what did I do? I planned to meet a) new people on the Friday, b) an established friendship group on the Saturday and c) attend a massive event full of a bazillion people.
I think it’s very important to throw yourself into situations that bring out a bit of fear in you. I think this for two reasons. Primarily, exposure, as we all know, is the best way to overcome something we find aversive or daunting. I’ve been letting little spiders crawl on my hands and removing slightly biggish ones myself, with a glass and piece of paper…but three years ago, ain’t no way in hell I would’ve been able to do that. So, exposure works! In this instance, being in a big social situation with lots going on, people screaming, drinking etc, is good for me. It forces me to learn from it and to adapt to it. Secondly, however, in the event that continued exposure to certain things you may not be too into, or that make you feel afraid, does not result in you learning to love or, at the very least, deal with it, then there is a lesson to be learned. There are lessons to be learned from most moments in our waking lives (ooh, and some in our unconscious ones too! But that’s a whole different topic).
So, on Friday, I met up with some lovely women from an online Bristol-based facebook group. I’ve been looking forward to meeting some cool women in Bristol for some time, and have missed some of the previous events, having only recently joined the group. Met some of them for a drink and pizza beforehand and sure – it was new, it brought up some nervous energy in me and I was also ridiculously tired that day but, in the end, I was fine. Now ‘fine’ is one of those blasé, middle-of-the-road words and I don’t like to use it too often but, in the case of talking about how you deal with things that may throw you off – fine is a bloody accomplishment! We then watched a film I really enjoyed – ‘Wild’. If you haven’t seen it, I would highly recommend it! It depicts a very beautiful emotional and physical journey that a woman, who has suffered a big personal tragedy, undertakes through the Pacific Crest Trail in the US. It was a perfectly fitting movie – inspiring women looking to meet other inspiring women, bunched together in a little cinema watching a woman do a badass hike, all the while – finding herself in the process. Loved it. It’s further added fuel to my ‘I need another solo trip soon’ fire! So, that was Friday and it was great.
Now Saturday was a glorious day – blazing hot sun, party atmosphere brewing in the air as St Paul’s Carnival returned after it’s three-year hiatus for it’s 50th anniversary. It had not taken place since I moved to Bristol, so it was definitely on the cards for me. Prior to that, I had made plans with a friend to go and watch the England game (and what a game it was!) at his friends’. So, I set off to the casa, which was situated in the carnival hype anyway, and decided to take a bit longer to get there. I wanted to see this, for myself, and by myself – and I knew they weren’t budging on account of the impending match anyway. Oh I loved it – everyone was out in their best festival-type summer outfits, people had all these glittery designs on their faces and funky, colourful things in their hair. Kids were eating ice creams, people were blowing whistles and every last person was hella sweaty. It really was a hot-ass day. The anticipation was brewing as the parade was delayed for some reason so we were all waiting. I walked around surprisingly calmly and slowly through all the people, just absorbing the positive energy, as opposed to interpreting it as chaotic. That came later.
Finally, the parade came through. Drumming, smiling, singing, dancing – kids and adults alike, geared up in their matching colourful outfits, moving in unison. It was truly joyous. I think that part of the day was my favourite. Interesting, because I was completely alone for it.
Rocked up to the house a little bit after and settled into to slightly-daunting atmosphere of the weekend, part 2. There was a lot of us – and everyone there was lovely and happy. And very loud! The game got us all hype. I had like a whole pint spilled down my back in the excitement. That kinda sucked – but I got to use a hairdryer in the heat to dry it off. Yum! So yeah, all was going well, I was sipping on my cans of Bud and watching the game but, by the end of it, I was already flagging…and I still had carnival to go back to! So herein lies a lesson – day drinking in the heat isn’t, nor has it ever been, my forte – so por que Niky? Well, because lessons take a lo-hoong time to learn properly, as I’ve mentioned before.
So, we all went out and explored. We danced to music, got food, walked around here and there, stopped off at a couple of houses which was cool. It was overall a good vibe but I’ve never been the type of person who can have successful conversations in a really loud, chaotic atmosphere. And by this point, it was indeed both those things. Like, you know when someone leans over to you in a club, usually some moist guy wearing a pink t-shirt with slick back hair pounding a Fosters, and tries to talk to you whilst something loud af is playing in the background and the bass is making your heart feel like a vibrating furby? That’s some difficult shit to manage yo. I’ve never understood how people can talk at length in those situations. And they can! But I, I just cannae. So when I’m put in loud atmosphere, I dance and I put that above trying to talk to people. See, I am also quite sensitive to loads of stimuli – which is why I can’t stand loads of traffic, or supermarkets, or town on a Saturday afternoon. I get a cognitive overload and it slowly becomes very, very draining.
I stuck it out for quite some time. I met up with some other friends after and had a good time with them. There’s something that’s a little disconcerting though when you find yourself, over and over, going out and trying to do the ‘normal’ thing of drinking and dancing, and drinking more, and dancing, and being stupid and loud, and shouting and doing funny things in the street etc…and you.just.can’t. You find yourself questioning yourself. Silly and unhelpful things pop up such as: ‘Why can’t I just be like the rest of the crowd and be really silly?’; ‘Why doesn’t alcohol make me funny and stupid, like ‘everyone’ else, and instead makes me sleepy and kinda unwell?’; ‘Why am I not enjoying all the conversations I’m currently having, and rather feel the need to talk about more serious shit…’ I mean, it’s a carnival on a sunny Saturday, after England have won a football game! Nobody wanna be talking about the state of our homelessness crisis or the soul-searching one can do when travelling the world. Calm yourself Niky. But uh..hey. In the end, there is another lesson in all this.
In some situations, we are able to indeed adapt and even enjoy ourselves. In others, we are not. This may depend on something that’s happened that day that’s predisposed you to the former or the latter, perhaps what you’ve ingested that’s maybe made you feel unwell, perhaps the weather or any other immediate contributing factor. Or, lovely people, it could just be that some things just aren’t you.
So, lessons galore! Large, loud groups – not me. A whole day’s worth of conventional fun – not me. Drinking for hours – not me. Jumping into bins or rolling around in a trolley or backing that ish up into a stranger during a grimey song – not me. It feels so good to say that – these things are simply not me. And there is no judgement here – but it’s important to reflect upon these things because they will cause a great deal of disequilibrium in your soul if they’re left undealt with.
This is turning into a long post so I’m going to wrap it up in a minute and relate it back to the title…
I have, over the last year or so, cultivated a real love for myself. This is my life and it is a gift. It is is filled, in a multitude of pockets throughout the day, with countless opportunities to make it good, happy and tailored to you. It hands you choices and forks in the road at every turn, and it is in your hands to make those decisions in order to get the most positive outcome of your life. If there are things that don’t quite fit, that make you unhappy and leave you questioning yourself and your life – embrace those questions and make the right choices. It takes practice. One thing I definitely have come to find, though, is that I absolutely adore being alone. I mean, not all the time, because I’m a human being and I need to be social, to love, to laugh with people, to experience, share and learn from people etc..but my downtime is so damn precious and, ironically, it’s what fills me up with the most joyous ability to then connect with people.
So, today I cleaned, a lot. I sorted lots of stuff out at home and I did it for my piece of mind. Then, I put on my bikini, got into my car, and drove to Weston-super-Mare. I listened to Kisstory on the way and had a grand old time, then I parked, walked to the beach in the sunshine, and the second I reached it, I put my shoes and socks in my backpack and felt the wonderful sensation of soft, warm sand under my feet. Man I wish we could be barefoot all the time! I walked towards to gentle waves and let them wash over my feet. I stepped a little further in and allowed them to splash up to where I could comfortably allow, on account of only having brought the top part of my bikini – d’oh! The water, lovely people, was sooo refreshingly warm and wonderful. I was kicking myself for not wearing my full bikini but I let that moment pass real quick – I’d made a choice, and I was still so lucky and blessed to be where I am, at this moment. There was no need to regret and linger on things out of my control. Then I lay out my towel and lay down for a blissful sunbathing session. Just me and man, I was so happy.
Upon opening my eyes again, after they had adjusted to the light, I looked around and smiled, completely and wholeheartedly, at all the happy people around me. Toddlers kicking a ball around with dad, teenage groups of friends bantering with each other, couples strolling along the beach, kids making sand castles, women and men sunbathing and enjoying life’s peaceful moments. And this is what I mean by feeling connected to people and the world once I’ve had some time for myself. When you allow yourself a rest, a pause and some time for your body and mind to settle into themselves, everything is a little bit better, brighter and happier.
So, I’ll leave it at that. I guess the takeaway message here is that it’s absolutely OK to be you, whatever and whoever that is. It’s important to recognise what it is that makes us unhappy or unsettled, and to make a choice – do we change something in us to accommodate this thing, or do we just change it up with a different thing instead? It’s also difficult to always clearly see which of these options may be best but it’s through practice, self-love and reflection that we can reach these conclusions with confidence. And, above all else, it’s imperative that we take time for ourselves and do things that are good for our souls.
Peace and love y’all. And a happy and blissful week ahead!
Nik-y-Vida 